Prince, presently and formerly known as, is a big cunt

Everyone's favourite musical nutjob* has finally lost all leave of his senses. In a, frankly crazy and impossible, attempt to completely control all aspects of his image on the web, Prince has started to threaten people. Not threaten them personally, himself, mind you, lawyers are his alternative to knuckle-dusters. This of course makes sense when you bear in mind that Prince is only 6 inches tall and therefore probably has a penis that is less than 1cm in length.

Apparently, the music (his words, not mine) that he felt complelled to give away on the front of magazines and dubious newpapers, is too good for these "internet freaks" to post on their websites. Indeed anyone who even dares make a mockery of this Sebastien Chabal look-alike (see picture - it's uncanny) is threatened to be sued.

So, everyone, I call for December 1st of every year to be known as "Prince is a cunt" day, and everyone posts photoshopped images and pirated versions of his music on as many websites as possible. He can't threaten everyone with lawyers.

* This of couse excludes the wonderful Brian Wilson. Not only does he have the excuse of being out of his mind on the finest drugs known to man, but anyone who believes there is a need for a 24-hour kazoo shop... Well, words cannot descrive my admiration.

Ex-Pope John Paul II in Hell

It appears that our deluded idiot religious friends believe that that late Pope John Paul II (JP2) has performed several miracles since his death and is therefore well on his way to becoming a saint. Imagine their disappointment last night when irrefutable evidence came to light that he has actaully gone to hell to become Satan's gimp.

During a commemoration ceremony of his death, a bonfire was lit and the flames turned into what many say was a likeness of JP2 raising his hands in a blessing (see picture); however moments later the revellers were reminded that firey images come from the pits of hell and the raised hand was more likely a cry for help.

A local man was quoted as saying, "The bonfire was lit and a strange smell appeared in the air. We thought it was petrol at first, but then we realised it was the foul stench of brimstone direct from the pits of hell. When the Pope's image appeared in the flames the smell was so bad I vomited all over the old lady standing in front of me."

Officials at the Vatican were unprepared to comment on this publicly, but privately are believed to be concerned about the comdemnation of JP2's eternal soul to live in the anus on Beelzebub and are requesting that all believers give all of their worldy belongings to to Scientologists as they appear to be having all the luck at the moment.

"Wait 'til I get my meat-hook..."

Comedy TD, and professional slug-balancer, Willie O'Dea has been accused of using 'foul language' and 'asking a man out for a fight' in a bar in Limerick.

Apparently the moustachioed Minister for Defence took exception to someone wanting to whine talk to him about the Shannon Aiport shinanegans when he asked, "Who is that big prick?" of his male accoster. Moments later he went on a charm offensive by telling the woman with the man, "I don't give a fuck about you" according to the couple.

I can foresee a couple of problems for both parties here. Firstly, I'm sure anyone in Limerick is far from easily offended at a bit of coarse language - especially given their penchant for stabbing/shooting/maiming each other. Secondly, Willie might be small, but he has a small army (excuse the pun) at his disposal to settle quables like this; and he's not too shy to pick up a gun himself.

Get a grip on yourselves everyone. Is this really newsworthy? As for the couple that complained: get a fucking grip on yourselves! Boo hoo hoo the small, 'tached man said bad words to me!!

Read the article on ireland.com